At fifteen, I could define failure fast: to die in Minneota, Minnesota. Substitute any small town in Pennsylvania, or Nebraska, or Bulgaria, and the definition held. To be an American meant to move, rise out of a mean life, make yourself new. Hadn't my own grandfathers transcended Iceland, learned at least some English, and died with a quarter section free and clear? No, I would die a famous author, a distinguished and respected professor at an old university, surrounded by beautiful women, witty talk, fine whiskey, Mozart. There were times, at fifteen, when I would have settled for central heat and less Jell-O, but I kept my mental eye on the "big picture."

We are a nation of failures who have done all right and been lucky. Perhaps it is some ancient dark fear of repeating our own grandfathers' lives that makes us reluctant to acknowledge failure in national or private life.

They were Icelanders, and conscious of it, and though none of Frithgeir's children ever saw their ancestral home, they called themselves "western Icelanders;" and could observe by looking at any television set that they were not quite American in the manner conceived in commercials and soap operas.

Whatever failure is, Minneota is not it. Nothing can be done about living here. Nor should it be. The heart can be filled anywhere on earth.

These are just a few of the most striking quotes I found from "The Music of Failure." I found myself moved. That first quote is very true for me (albeit with my own image of success), with a slight adjustment. I don't think I've ever thought of my ancestors as having succeeded in "transcending Iceland" (Poland, Sweden, Norway, Germany...). Frankly, I sometimes think of them of traitors, forsaking Polish, Swedish, Norwegian, German for this English language and culture, forsaking individuality for assimilation, leaving me in this void between worlds, immersed in the Anglo world, but always at odds with it, feeling the dissonance between how I lived and how I spoke against my heritage.

I might come back to this post later, as I think I need some more time to process all this.